Let’s talk about marriage today. Recently, with the end of the year approaching, a lot of marriage-related statistics have been released.
For example, on November 3rd, the Ministry of Civil Affairs published the “Third Quarter 2024 Civil Affairs Statistical Data” on its official website. The statistics show that in the first three quarters of this year, the number of marriage registrations nationwide was 4.747 million, and the number of divorce registrations was 1.967 million.
Additionally, the National Bureau of Statistics released the “China Statistical Yearbook 2024,” showing that the number of people getting married for the first time in 2023 reached 11.9398 million, an increase of 13.52% compared to 2022. This marks the first increase in first marriages in China since 2014.
Although the data shows an increase in first-time marriages, the overall number of marriages is declining, and divorces are on the rise—this has become a fact. For example, in the third quarter of 2024, the number of marriage registrations decreased by nearly 25% compared to the same period last year, marking the lowest level since 2008. In contrast, the number of divorce registrations increased by 5.64%.
It’s important to note that this trend is not unique to China. Globally, declining marriage rates and rising divorce rates have become a common trend.
This raises a question: why do people choose to give up on their marriages?
Just this year, Forbes conducted a survey on the reasons for divorce. The top reason cited was a lack of commitment. That’s right—one partner in the marriage is not serious, not invested, or not putting in effort, leading the other partner to become disappointed and ultimately seek a divorce. Issues like infidelity, financial problems, and domestic violence ranked second, fifth, and sixth, respectively.
In other words, while many divorces are due to principled issues, a larger number are caused by accumulated disappointment, leading the marriage to its end. Put simply, what erodes passion and patience in a marriage are often the little things that seem insignificant at the time.
Now, let’s address the fundamental question: how can we have a happy marriage? There is one person whose advice is especially worth listening to: Dr. John Gottman, a master in the field of interpersonal relationships, often referred to as the “Marriage Pope.”
John Gottman has conducted over 50 years of research on marriage, studying more than 3,000 American families and 700 newlywed couples. It is said that Gottman can predict, with 91% accuracy, whether a couple will divorce in the next year just by observing them for 5 minutes.
As for Gottman’s personal marriage, he has been married to his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, for 37 years. Julie has also been an important collaborator in his research. So, when it comes to the topic of marriage, John Gottman is definitely an authority.
Now, let’s take a look at Gottman’s observations on marriage.
First, let’s talk about warning signs. What kinds of marriage relationships are most likely to face crises? Gottman identifies four very dangerous signals, known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
The first signal is criticism. Note, this is criticism, not complaining. According to Gottman, complaining is about a specific incident in which your partner did something wrong, but criticism is broader and includes negative judgments about your partner’s character or personality. In other words, complaining is about the action, while criticism is about the person.
For example, if you say, “Why didn’t you help the kids with their homework? We agreed to take turns,” that’s a complaint. But if you say, “Why can’t you ever remember to help the kids with their homework? You’re not taking their education seriously, you have no responsibility,” that’s criticism. The problem with criticism is that when it accumulates, it leads to the second dangerous signal: contempt.
Yes, the second warning signal is contempt. In a marriage, when you continuously criticize your partner, you start to feel superior to them, and that can lead to contempt.
Let’s continue with the homework scenario. For instance, if your partner says, “I’ll rest for 15 minutes before helping the kids with their homework,” and you respond with, “Are you sure you’ll help after your 15-minute break? You just lie down or play on your phone when you get home, does 15 minutes of rest really matter that much?” That’s contempt. Contempt often manifests as sarcasm or mockery, and according to Gottman, it is the strongest predictor of divorce.
Now, the third signal is defensiveness. Once contempt sets in, both partners are likely to become defensive. Defense is not a good state—it means neither person is willing to back down or apologize, and the unspoken message is: “It’s all your fault, I don’t want to deal with this.” In essence, defensiveness is a colder form of blame.
Finally, defensiveness escalates into the fourth signal: stonewalling or the “cold war.” Imagine a couple where one partner begins avoiding communication to prevent conflict, even avoiding being in the same room. This indicates that something is seriously wrong in the marriage.
And according to Gottman, in 85% of marriages, it’s the husband who is the stonewaller. This isn’t a criticism of men—it may have something to do with human genetic predispositions. Research from UC Berkeley shows that when both men and women hear a loud, abrupt noise—like a car tire bursting—their heart rates increase, but men’s heart rate tends to rise more, and the effect lasts longer. Other studies suggest that when men are treated roughly, their blood pressure increases after 20 minutes and stays elevated until they react. In simple terms, men are more likely to harbor grudges, and conflict tends to take more of a toll on them, leading to emotional withdrawal and, ultimately, stonewalling.
It’s important to note that these four signals may not always appear in sequence—they can cycle back and forth. So, what can we do in real life to improve our marriage?
In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman provides a lot of practical advice. Combining his insights from podcast interviews, we’ll discuss three of the most useful strategies today.
In simple terms, Gottman’s core argument is that the key to a successful marriage is friendship. This year, Professor Wang Minan from Tsinghua University published a new book titled The Core of Intimate Relationships is Friendship, which echoes Gottman’s view. So, how can couples nurture this friendship?
First, create a “love map.” What’s a love map? It’s simply how well you understand your partner’s inner world. The easiest way to do this is to remember key events in their life and update your understanding as things change. For example, who their best friends are, what their dreams used to be, and important milestones in their life. In short, get to know your partner deeply. If you’re wondering how to get this information, the simplest way is to ask. According to Gottman, if you want to improve a relationship, try turning 50% of your conversations into open-ended questions to give your partner more opportunities to share.
Second, express your fondness and admiration often. This may sound simple, but it’s not easy to do. Gottman’s research shows that couples with stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, while couples who end up divorcing have a ratio of only 0.8:1. In other words, you can’t avoid negative signals, but you can dilute them by increasing positive signals.
So, how can you do this? The most effective way is to make it a habit to notice and appreciate your partner’s strengths. This also implies that in a marriage, no one should always be on the moral high ground. As marriage expert Xiong Taihang says, the ideal marriage is one where the partners take turns leading, like a team sport.
Third, get close during small moments. For example, if your partner is looking at their phone and suddenly says, “This is the movie we watched before,” instead of just saying “Yeah” or “I don’t have time to watch it,” try saying, “Yeah, I remember how moving that movie was, especially the ending!” This will make a big difference.
Gottman also coined the term “Love Bank” theory, suggesting that these seemingly small moments are crucial to a relationship. Every positive response is like making a deposit in the “love bank,” which you can later draw from during times of stress and conflict.
Lastly, you might say, “Even if I follow all these methods, there are still many conflicts in marriage that can’t be resolved.” That’s true. According to Gottman, even if we create a love map, express fondness, and draw closer during small moments, 69% of marital conflicts are still unavoidable.
So, what can we do? Gottman suggests changing how we view conflicts. Not all conflicts need to be solved. Often, conflicts are rooted in deeper issues, and compromise can be difficult. In these cases, you can treat these conflicts as an area to explore, through asking questions, getting closer, and understanding your partner’s perspective, ultimately creating a joint task in the relationship. In other words, behind these seemingly troublesome conflicts, there may be the greatest potential for intimacy.
Finally, if you remember just one piece of advice, Gottman’s words are worth taking to heart: “Happy couples follow this creed: When you’re in pain, I’ll put everything aside and just focus on listening to you.”
